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Digital is Dead

April 1, 2019 - Zak Averre

You heard that right. The internet and everything digital has been cancelled. If you thought now was the time to finally learn what Snapchat is or how to use GIFs on Twitter, it’s too late. How? Why? You ask. Well, don’t google it because, in a new agreement called the ‘April First Bill’, governments around the world have decided to unplug their national routers, one giant cable at a time. Wondering how we’ll get on without digital devices? Well never fear, with our last broadcast we’re here to give you some top tips on surviving a post-digital world.

Adopt a Pet


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We all know the internet is for one thing and one thing only… Watching funny animal videos. This is why it’s imperative you go down to the RSPCA and adopt your own ragamuffin to provide you with hours of off-air entertainment. No more sail cat, no more Fenton galloping across a field, just you and your creature making memories together that will no doubt become something you tell your colleagues at lunch. Don’t be surprised though if your story doesn’t get the same response, Debbie! Chances are your workmates didn’t enjoy the videos at the Christmas party anyway so stories sans video will go down like celery sticks at a kid’s birthday party.

 

Use Paper

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Without screens and devices, we’ll have to go back to good old-fashioned trees. Global warming is probably a myth? And without the internet, we’ll never hear about how the planet is slowly dying. So, why not spend your paycheck on some fancy Moleskin journals and start writing again. It’ll take a while at first, most of us haven’t written a full sentence since leaving school, start practising now. In a few months, you’ll have that fancy caligraphy-style down pat. Who is going to question your expense report when there are no digital records and your handwriting looks like a character from Downton Abbey.

Break Out the Old Celluloid

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Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime… All of these will be a thing of the past. With no access to Queer Eye, Game of Thrones or whatever you’re currently binging, you’ll have to trust national television services. Oh, the horror! If you can’t stand going back to tele with ads then there is only one way to stay entertained, watch old videos. A VCR will cost you next to nothing and who doesn’t still have a video of the first Harry Potter film hanging around. If Hollywood films are a stretch, binge a box set of Friends and failing that, watch the video footage of your school talent shows. With such a rich choice of entertainment, you’ll wonder how Netflix was ever necessary.

 

Learn to Take Photos

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Smartphones are great, aren’t they? With virtually no training you can take holiday snaps that would not be out of place in a glossy magazine. Soft filters on photos make you look like a cherub while stickers and other effects give teens hours of entertainment. From the second of April however, we’ll have to switch to good old-fashioned film. Learning about ISO, aperture, and frame rates are just the beginning and we recommend adopting a ‘blurry style’ on purpose to get ahead of the inevitable duds. Hopefully, we’ll even see a rise in the sales of disposable cameras allowing generations to take photos they’ll never develop.

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If that sounds all too scientific then there’s another way to capture your magic moments. Roll out the canvas and start painting. None of this modern stuff, no, we’re talking about good old-fashioned portrait painting. You know, the paintings of glum, ruff-wearing, aristocrats that adorn National Trust sites. There’s no mood bigger than old-money mood so embrace the new trend and invest in some oil paint.

Whatever you do remember, time is limited so be sure to copy this blog down before we wave bye bye to the 21st century. When the signal bars go and your last message pings, you’ll be ready to take on the world.

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